The Forbidden Fruit: Prickly Pears

When I was young, the meth house across the street caught fire, leaving it cordoned off by a police fence. Spotting a tight gap in the fence, but next to a huge prickly pear, I thought, Why not? Let's go tamper with some evidence. Squeezing through, I underestimated the cactus' fine hair prickles.

The meth lab itself was a letdown—just a charred shell with nothing interesting inside. Karma later struck, and the true struggle began at home, where prickles invaded my bed, clothes, underwear—everything. For two weeks, I found them everywhere!

Prickly Pears (various Opuntia spp.) are just about immortal, and you'll spot them along country roads as you're driving 100km an hour, so off into the distance goes past all that delicious fruit.

These spiky nuisances are noxious weeds in Australia—noxious by name, obnoxious by nature. It's illegal to plant them in Melbourne, and if you already have a plant you wish to remove, the council requires you to destroy it with fire. As a final act of revenge these bastards don't even burn easily.

In late summer and early autumn, their fruit comes in a rainbow of reds, purples, yellows, oranges—even some green ones are good enough to eat.

They’re unmistakable: Big prickly clusters, tear-shaped pads with oval fruit. If you’re unsure, post a pic in a plant ID group. If it looks half dead, it's probably been poisoned by old mate at Biosecurity—give those a pass.

We’re doing the ecosystem a favour by eating these pests. But be warned: harvesting them is absolutely more effort than it's worth. If you’re game (or just stubborn like me), pack your Prickly Pear Protection Pack™:

Prickly Pear Protection Pack

1) Safety goggles, those fine hairs go airborne

2) Thick gloves—no glove, no love!

3) Blowtorch, you can burn some of the fine hairs as you harvest

4) BBQ tongs for the delicate fruit-picking ballet

5) Disposable cardboard box to collect your fruit

6) Sharp knife

7) Tweezers (just in case)

8) Hopes and prayers

Some people get creative with prickle removal: toothbrushes, a dustpan brush, glue, sand-rolling, squirt with a super soaker. Personally, I just don on a pair of sunnies, squint for dear life, and give the fruit a quick once over with a blowtorch. Touch wood, I haven’t started a bushfire yet.

If you’re eating the pads, winter is best—look for bright, light-green new growth. Torch them, de-thorn with a vegetable peeler, parboil, and roast for vegetarian tacos. You can also pickle them for salads or salsa. They taste like beans and okra.

You can then do the environment a favour by cutting the whole cactus off at the base—but it's just temporary. Those pads will sprout roots and regrow.

Even after torching off the hairs, expect prickles. Slice the fruit in half, hold it with tongs, and scoop out the flesh with a spoon. Your cutting board might become a write-off. My poor husband always manages to prickle himself weeks later while washing the dishes.

The fruit is usually delicious. A mild, refreshing combo of watermelon, bubblegum, and cucumber. Eat it plain, toss it on yogurt, or turn it into jams, desserts, and cocktails. Forget banana sundaes—prickly pear sundaes are where it’s at. Top a pavlova with them, add them to fruit punch. Turn them into vinegar or wine.